You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: