You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Flock of bats
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE