You sure about that?
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
This was a bad idea all around
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.