“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]