You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
yall want some gasoline milk
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.