You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7