You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
a lot to unpack here
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I get distracted pretty eas
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.