You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
You Might Also Like
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
japanese corn
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?