You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You Might Also Like
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m not proud
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My plans: 2020:
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what