Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.