You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
You Might Also Like
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.