You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Terribly Tuesday.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”