“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
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My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Left at a local drug store…
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
They also CAN sing✌️
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard