You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.