You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.