You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
January has been Januweary
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.