You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses