You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
every. time.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered