You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.