you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”