“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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Me: Same.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.