“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
You Might Also Like
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Trying
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.