@cambuslad

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

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@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@WheelTod

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

@lydiagreer

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@UncleDuke1969

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

@dyldonot

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

@SufficientCharm

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

@AimeeHelene1

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@jonnysun

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times