YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
You Might Also Like
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry