YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.