you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
You Might Also Like
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*