You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Salad is the decaf of food.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it