you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
lol
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”