you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.