You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”