You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
<- sleeps well with others
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Come back with a warrant
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.