“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

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kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*


Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy


I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but


Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.


[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye


WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.


Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.


“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”



I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.


[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.