“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”