“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒