You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.