You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
You Might Also Like
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here