You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?