You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.