You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
#parenting
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming