you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah