You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?


Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”


Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar


It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.


[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]


[another bottle with message washes against my feet]


Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined


I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.


I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault


My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.