@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

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@NickBossRoss

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

@RickAaron

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

@Stealx

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.