You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.