You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
HELP 😭
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..