@Birdhumms

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

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@davidschneider

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

@UnFitz

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

@jonnysun

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

@slimmy_shady

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

@junejuly12

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

@gigglegirlnoel

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

@jrza206

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires