You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
🤣🤣🤣
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect