You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas
[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.