Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Teach your children to beatbox