@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

You Might Also Like

@robfromonline

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

@Try2StopME

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@No_1BullshitGuy

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

@WheelTod

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@2questionable

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.