You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
#FunnyLife Insects
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.