@CruisinSoozan

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

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@KateQFunny

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@Angrea

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

@Reverend_Scott

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

@

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@Sorrowscopes

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@lilhungrymang

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*