You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
You Might Also Like
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
それは草
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave