you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
You Might Also Like
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
saw this in a dream
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me