You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Best table by far
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
When someone says you are so lazy
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula