“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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Danger is very dangerous
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Super Hand Dog Face
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”