-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that