@1followernodad

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

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@david8hughes

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

@2tonbug

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

@MomofTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best