@1followernodad
@david8hughes [interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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@david8hughes 
@2tonbug I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
@KyleMcDowell86 ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
@MomofTeen For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
@TheBoydP *Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
@GingerGander “Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
@NotKarma Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
@UncleBob56 You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
@CrapLocalNews Breaking news:
@thetits FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best