[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*
~Christmas shopping for my wife
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best