“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.