”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*weighs self after shaving
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*sewing*
A thread
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad