“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”